ante meridian
now we can pick the flowers as soon as we wake
as soon as I look at you and notice you are still the same as yesterday
as soon as I ask what you dreamt
as soon as I realise there might still be flowers outside
as soon as we hear the workers protesting
as soon as I turn to taste and relish you again
as soon as I become your man again
as soon as I seek your face and cannot find it in the dark
as soon as you say no
Now we can pick the flowers as soon as we wake
as soon as it's time for me to go to work, have you charged my mobile? I'm going to be late, I've a union rally, better start the washing-machine, have you e-mailed the shopping list? By any chance have you checked if my salary's come in?
plus the latest shopping weekend in Dubai for 250 Maltese liri inc b/b in ****hotel, transport, guide, excursions
plus the nth success of the eighties
plus SEX ON THE BEACH
plus NAKED AND SACRED
plus MOVE YOUR BODY
plus the latest results of the UEFA Champions League
plus the latest results of yesterday's televoting question: do you agree that the Maltese are racists? 3% - yes, 97% - no.
Now we can go to pick the flowers.
But the flowers are dying.
So am I. So are you.
post meridian
I am waiting. I light up one cigarette after another because I hate waiting. But when it comes to you, I wait eagerly so that you will reappear. We are going to talk again, head to head, you and I. I remember this morning, while I was leaning out of the window to see if there were any flowers to pick, I heard my mobile ring. And I remember
hello
hello
hello
hello
may I speak to Andrew please?
speaking
hello, Andrew
who is it?
I
who are you?
I, Samantha
Samantha?
yes Samantha, we spoke yesterday on the IRC and you gave me your mobile number, remember?
of course I remember! how are you Samantha?
ok, are you off to work?
I'm off today
my! me too
wow, what a coincidence! are you doing anything special?
no
should we meet? go to have a coffee or something?
sure.
I remember this morning, as I gazed at your stormy-sea-coloured eyes and your cheeks, the colour of dying flowers. After half-a-cup of coffee you ask me if I'm married.
I remember this morning, as I gazed at the sea stretched out behind and the flowers dumped into a makeshift vase on the round table together with two coffees and two slices of chocolate cake. And now I wait for you and our nightly ritual, head to head, you and I, alone. And in the pagina inizialeground, from the other room, the grey-haired presented thanks a whole list of sponsors and asks the winning question, prized at 20 cents a phone-call: if Malta were to join the EU, she will lose her identity. If you agree phone 222990, if not 222991. You can win a free ticket to Sydney to see the kangaroos. And I wait, I wait, till you appear from the darkness on the screen. And I read till you arrive:
[APE] any chick around?
[SEXXX] for sex join #sexinmalta
[PUPA] girl 12 want to chat with boy 20-24
[MOB_ILE] mobiles for sale at very cheap prices. msg
[APE] any chick around?
[APE] any chick around?
[SEXXX] join #sexinmalta
[BIGDIKK] hello ppl, im hear
[JUVE] forza italia!
[NINA22] hello
[LABOUR] the primeminister's an idiot
[APE] any chick around?
[BIGDIKK] any female for sexchat?
[BLUGRL18] the idiot are the labour party and all its supporters
[JUVE] forza italia!
[NINA22] hello bigdikk how r u?
[PUPA] girl 12 want to chat with boy 20-24
[MOB_ILE] mobiles for sale at very cheap prices. msg
[CELINE] any 1 from univ? pls msg
[PUPA] girl 12 want to chat with boy 20-24
And I wait for you to appear out of this jungle, out of the dark.
I wait.
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
I wait for the answer from the other side of nowhere and I go on seeing the teaspoon slipping gently into the melted chocolate in the saucer as you ask again if I am married.
Then I wished to tell you to look at the flowers
which were wilting on the tbale
for you to really understand my drowsy gaze.
Then I wanted to ask you if we could go to the sea
and slip in, to tempt it to join us in making love,
for us to really understand the story we'd begun.
Then you took me to smell the sheets which were the colour of peaches and old silver, and the pillows which were big and soft. You took me to see the clear flowers oozing out of you; you took me to taste the leaves and ripe fruit.
Till you even rolled in the soil, scented and moist
Ttill I buried myself peacefully among the ripe roots
Till I listened for the cries of the seagull.
I wanted to listen and listen in order to forget
I wanted to grow deaf,
I wanted to melt,
Become a bit of water,
Evaporate, become steam and vanish forever
as the seagull let out its cries
as the gull appeared to die on the blue sea's surface
as the darkness tasted the surface of the blue sea.
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
And now I wait for you as I listen to Their Honours debating in the other room. And I cannot wait till you reappear out of nowhere as you did this morning while I waited dressed in green for you to recognise me. As soon as I say you I couldn't believe it. I thought that all the flowers had died.
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[APE] LONELY: shut up fuck samantha
[SEXXX] LONELY: have a life join #sexinmalta
[JUVE] italia!
- Thanks, I haven't had a good one for agees!
And I laughed and felt good and strong. Even though I was already afraid that as soon as I left the house everything would seem strange again, very dark.
- So when will I see you again?
- I'll see you tonight on the IRC, ok?
- Can't we meet here again?
- Ok
- When?
- Mmmm, now we'll see. Not just yet.
You seem like a beautiful angel descending from heaven
you seem like a plane flying high above
a white dove flying to another land
far far away where I cannot reach you
let me come with you, fly with you.
- So you are married?
Pause
- Yes.
And she smiles. And I smile too. And we go on smiling.
- Me too.
And she laughs. And I laugh too. And we go on laughing.
- Where is he?
- At work. Or should be.
And she laughs again. And I laugh again too. And we go on laughing.
[DJBIG] AIR ACTION _ THE PARTY _ SATURDAY 11 MAY _ WALK ON THE WHITE LINE _ FEEL THE HEAT _ LOVE THE SOUND _ LOVE THE SWEAT _ LOVE THE LOVE _ AND ALL THAT
- One for you and one for me.
I look at two white, almost straight lines on a small square mirror. I see you offer me half a straw, smiling with your big eyes.
- You start.
And you bend over the mirror and you sniff the powder through your nose and you lie pagina iniziale and grimace and you smile while you pass me the straw. As I aim my nose at the line you have left me, my eyes glimpse themselves scowling. And I feel you smiling at me.
What a wonderful scent of an early May blossom.
The scent of this lower is the scent of May!
May perfumes us with the scent of flowers
May perfumes us with the fumes of flowers.
Let us start again from the beginning. Let us look at each other and enjoy what we see. Let us start again. What do you think? I think we should at least start again. Start … even if we stop later. Because perhaps we are tired. Perhaps we are very tired. But we can still start again anyway. Let us try at least. What do you think?
- What did you do today?
- Nothing.
- A whole day without doing anything?
- Nothing. I went to a café, I went around, I went to find something to eat.
- Is that all?
- And I went around and got distracted and arrived late.
- Fine.
- Do you feel like a smoke?
- No. We don't have a joint anyway.
- None at all?
- Did you buy any?
- No.
- So?
- I thought we had something left.
- No . I've been meaning to ask you something.
- What?
- Do you still love me?
- I think I should ask you that question. This morning again it was you who pulled pagina iniziale.
- Is that all that's left between us? Only that?
- There isn't even that because you don't want it, and it's been going on for a long time now.
- Do you know how you've changed?
- Am I the only one?
- Why are you raising your voice? We're talking not quarelling.
- Because even you have changed.
- Fine. I've changed and you never told me. You should have told me.
- You should have noticed that I was trying to tell you. All that's in your mind is the union, and a million other things.
- And you? What's on your mind?
Pause
- My mind? You. Because you're no longer the same. You've changed; you're no longer as you were.
- So why didn't you speak up?
- When? During some union rally?
- Come on, don't exaggerate! It's not as if I'm always there. If you really wanted to you'd have found the time istead of gluing yourself to the computer.
- I'll be sitting at the computer and you in front of TV analysing the news and what's been said and not said about the lot of you.
- Why are you raising your voice?
Let me turn again to taste you again to relish you again
let me become your man again
let me feel you soft again
let me make you mine again
get to know you again, perhaps
lose myself again in your contorted paths
I will find my way even in this dark
I feel you trying even though you don't want. I realise you don't want. I notice that you are forcing yourself without pleasure. I realise I can't, today it is I who can't. That no matter how I try, the flesh is weak. Unlike this morning. This morning everything was different. Even the body I discovered: it was different, it was new, it was full of mystery. And I was different too. I was the one who was with you many years ago. But not now. But now certainly not. Although I want, the flesh is weak. Although I want. If I want. If I want you. My mind is on the computer, on the virtual appointment I've made, on tormorrow, on the day after tomorrow or whenever, on the sheets which are the colour of peaches and dark silver, on the big soft pillows, on the opening flowers, on the leaves and full fruit, on the scented soil where I could taste the fresh dew, on the tender roots I bumped into, on the cries of the coming seagull, on the white lines of cocaine, on my eyes staring at me from the mirror asking me what the fuck I was doing.
On the darkness and the dark.
And while I stare at you staring at me I feel confused because I cannot understand why this morning it was a yes and now it is no. and I see you purse yourlips and stretch your arm to reach out for the packet of cigarettes on the bedside table. And as you slither beneath me, I let my head drop to bury itself in the pillow and remain as I am till I almost suffocate. And all I can see is the dark.
- If you want to go to the computer, do so. I won't complain.
And I hear your listless voice sending me out, far away.
- But before you go … now keep this in mind: I did try, so tomorrow don't come and tell me the same things you told me before.
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[APE] LONELY: are you still around? fuck samantha
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[LONELY] is samantha online pls?
[SAM_TEX] ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!
[LONELY] SAMANTHA!!!!!!!!!!
[SAM_TEX] ANDREW! where have you been? i've been waiting
[LONELY] sorry! how are you?
[SAM_TEX] come here. you want to?
[LONELY] YESSSSSSSSSS
And tears sting my eyes. And I smile. And I laugh on my own. In the dark. In the light of the screen.
I love you.
© Immanuel Mifsud
translated from the original by Maria Grech Ganado